Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Mommy Dearest

I suppose I should have posted something sooner. It's been over a week now since mom passed away, but the hurt still feels fresh. People keep doing the comforting thing, telling me she's in a better place and all that jazz. I know she is, and I know she's happier, and I'm over-joyed that she no longer has to suffer the confines of her broken body, but that doesn't make it any easier for me to get over not having her here any more. She and I spent a lot of time together these last few months, she made sure of that and I did my best to comply with her wishes when my vehicles allowed. We talked long about how she prayed to heavenly father to let her go and I found it difficult to listen to even then. We talked about many things, including life and what my sisters were doing. She did her best to keep track of all of us all the time. At one point she tried to apologize for not being there for me and Sariah and Tekara. I'm not sure where she got the idea that she wasn't a proper mother for us, but I have an inkling that does not please me. I spent a good half hour telling her how much she meant to all of us, just having her there. We didn't need her up and moving around to be a mother to us. She was our best friend, our counselor, our mother, our confidant, our greatest teacher. She was the one who told me, from a very young age and well into my teen years, that my sisters were always going to be my best friends so I may as well learn to love them now, and I did and still do. She was the glue that held us together when it was HER going through the tough times, and when she did have her dark days she had us girls to keep her going. Mom was my everything and I don't quite know what to do without her, but I'm sure I'll figure it out in time. Carissa asked me to speak at her memorial about her humor. I wish I could have, but unfortunately I'm the blubbering fool type when it comes to her. I initially said yes and sat down to write out my memories of her and her amazing, albeit quirky, sense of humor and couldn't make it through the first sentence without bawling. I could hear mom in my head the whole time laughing at me and telling me it would be ok, we'd all be ok, and have some cake in celebration of her. We all know how amazing she was, in every aspect of her life. I only hope that I can be half the woman she was and still is. I see her in my older sisters, so much it hurts now, but it makes me want to be with them even more. They're my new mom fix, heh. I hope they don't mind that.

It's been a long week. I feel like a child again, but it is definitely time for a nap.


Naomi Johnson said...

I don't mind. I sure do love you. we're always here for you

Brown Family said...

Hey we all love you! We are always here for each other, that's what is so great about family! I love you and I understand what you are saying. We just need to be sad and let it out even though it's obvious that she's in a better place and we all know that! It will get better. I am so thankful for sisters though!!