Anger, much anger....

I'm trying to remember that my father has a right to be happy too. My mother always told me she wanted him to remarry when she passed away. Forgive me for being selfish about this, but I hate him right now for what he's doing already.

Clarification would help right about now I'm guessing.

I was being a good kid, minding my own business the other day, chillaxing, when I get a call from my father. Now, in recent months the only thing he has called me for is when he needs something from me, usually a ride, or to tell me my mother passed away. This time was a bit different. He opened with a polite "How have you been, what have you been up to, what's going on?" and rather than wait for a full response decided to dive into a lengthy description of how he put his profile up on a singles site and has been in contact with a few different women from around the Northwest. There's one he's pretty excited about I guess, and was more than willing to share all the differences between her and my mother with me. He wants to invite her over here soon to spend time with him. I understand he wants to be happy and he's probably been pretty lonely over the last few years, but really? Why would he want to tell me all of this? Did he expect me to jump for joy? Did he expect me to want to meet the woman? I know he's not so bright when it comes to social behavior, but it's barely been a month. Wouldn't he assume that maybe, just possibly, talking about another woman already might upset me? I think hate is a bit of a strong word to describe how I feel toward my father right now. Mostly anger. A lot of anger. I wanted to ask him politely to shut up and leave me alone but I didn't. I listened to him talk, I listened to him get excited about the possibility, and the entire time I was bawling, quietly. How am I supposed to handle that this soon? Someone tell me please, how am I supposed to respond?

Mommy Dearest

I suppose I should have posted something sooner. It's been over a week now since mom passed away, but the hurt still feels fresh. People keep doing the comforting thing, telling me she's in a better place and all that jazz. I know she is, and I know she's happier, and I'm over-joyed that she no longer has to suffer the confines of her broken body, but that doesn't make it any easier for me to get over not having her here any more. She and I spent a lot of time together these last few months, she made sure of that and I did my best to comply with her wishes when my vehicles allowed. We talked long about how she prayed to heavenly father to let her go and I found it difficult to listen to even then. We talked about many things, including life and what my sisters were doing. She did her best to keep track of all of us all the time. At one point she tried to apologize for not being there for me and Sariah and Tekara. I'm not sure where she got the idea that she wasn't a proper mother for us, but I have an inkling that does not please me. I spent a good half hour telling her how much she meant to all of us, just having her there. We didn't need her up and moving around to be a mother to us. She was our best friend, our counselor, our mother, our confidant, our greatest teacher. She was the one who told me, from a very young age and well into my teen years, that my sisters were always going to be my best friends so I may as well learn to love them now, and I did and still do. She was the glue that held us together when it was HER going through the tough times, and when she did have her dark days she had us girls to keep her going. Mom was my everything and I don't quite know what to do without her, but I'm sure I'll figure it out in time. Carissa asked me to speak at her memorial about her humor. I wish I could have, but unfortunately I'm the blubbering fool type when it comes to her. I initially said yes and sat down to write out my memories of her and her amazing, albeit quirky, sense of humor and couldn't make it through the first sentence without bawling. I could hear mom in my head the whole time laughing at me and telling me it would be ok, we'd all be ok, and have some cake in celebration of her. We all know how amazing she was, in every aspect of her life. I only hope that I can be half the woman she was and still is. I see her in my older sisters, so much it hurts now, but it makes me want to be with them even more. They're my new mom fix, heh. I hope they don't mind that.

It's been a long week. I feel like a child again, but it is definitely time for a nap.